Me versus Durian

We make eye contact.

I can hear Dennis Hopper’s voice in my head. Pop quiz hotshot: Your hostess is expectantly smiling at you offering what she describes as an expensive delicacy. The smell is overpowering. What do you do? What… do… you … do?

She offers a substantial bite. I smile with what I hope looks like nonchalance and pop the offending morsel in my gob. My eyes start to tear up. My teeth sink in to what feels like a cooked onion and what tastes like a cooked onion detoxing from heroin. It is rich and thick, almost buttery, and for a moment I think, “not so bad…”

For a brief moment.

Pamala grins widely, mistaking my strained smile for heartfelt enjoyment. Gesturing at the giant plate of remaining pieces, she boasts, “Very expensive, from Chiang Mai, my FAVORITE.”

“Well, you know…. if it’s your favorite I don’t want to take it from you…”

(Note to Future Self: This is the WRONG APPROACH.)

“No, no, no! You like? Good for you. Here,” she says almost giddily, handing another forkful across the table.

“Thank you, Pamala, you are so generous!” Why isn’t there a dog under the table when you need one? Maybe because the dog could smell it from a mile off and was smart enough to stay away. “I really appreciate you sharing this with me,” now I am being genuine, under the thinly veiled attempt to stall for time.

“Some people don’t like.” She says, as though I am not the enemy she speaks of, with my nose turned up at her most favorite flavor. “I think…” she drops her voice conspiratorially, “the smell.”

“Really?” I feign innocence, ignorance, anything to keep that stench from the bowels of hell away from my traumatized nose and lips.

“Yes, smell very strong.” Pamala says, opening her mouth widely and plunking more of the evilness into her unsuspecting digestive system.

“Well, wow! The bugs are really biting me tonight. Oh, I forgot bug spray!” I sheepishly excuse myself from the table, hurriedly grab my laptop and fumble for my shoes.

“Mai pen rai!” she says, no worries! “I will save for you!”